Title: The Covenant
Director: Renny Harlin
Released: Sept. 8, 2006 (USA)
Taglines: Only the power of hell can help them.
To save the future, they must battle their past.
Description: Four young men who belong to a New England supernatural legacy are forced to battle a fifth power long thought to have died out. Meanwhile, jealousy and suspicion threaten to tear them apart.
This was one of those movies that I was never quite sure if I’d seen or not. Even after listening to the How Did This Get Made podcast’s episode on it (which I would love to link here, because they’re hilarious, but unfortunately the older episodes are behind a paywall . . . which I signed up for a free trial for so I could re-listen to the episode, because that’s just how obsessive I get about things), I still couldn’t have told you if I’d seen it or not. Everything about it is familiar, standard mid-2000s aesthetic – title is “The” followed by a noun? Check. Blue filter over everything? Check. Bunch of pretty people in their 20s playing teenagers? Check. Rob Zombie on the soundtrack? Check! Some sort of supernatural shenanigans? Check! Menacing hot boy? Check! Brooding hero? Got that, too!
Basically, even if you haven’t seen this specific movie, you’ve seen this movie.
I had not seen this specific movie, it turned out, until recently. I’d been rewatching a lot of Marvel movies, and got curious about what else Sebastian Stan had been in, and that led me to this movie. It didn’t hurt that Chace Crawford from The Boys was in it as well, although I had a lot of trouble recognizing him at first. I kept staring at him and mentally trying to add 15ish years onto him, because yeah, I didn’t start watching Gossip Girl until recently, either.
Basically, I could not tell any of these boys apart at first, and was mainly referring to them in my head as Main Guy, The Deep, Longhair, Blonde Guy, and Sebastian Stan. Then it turned out Longhair (Taylor Kitsch) was actually Gambit from X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and he was the same guy I’d been saying for literal years was an amazing Gambit and should be cast for the stand-alone movie. I watched him for an hour and a half in this movie the first time around without a single shred of recognition. I dunno, is it possible to spontaneously develop face blindness in your late thirties?
Anyway, this movie is not good. But it hits the right level of bad that makes me love it. I love screaming BUT WHAT ARE THE RULES?! at my screen as I watch. I love the terrible dialogue, and the fact that they gave Sebastian Stan some of the cringiest lines I’ve ever heard.
I love the fact that I’m bringing Dove (who has never seen this) and bat (who has watched this multiple times) [bat: “for fun”, I love shitty films like this, what can I say.] along for the ride. I’m going to be screaming about the rules, bat is going to scream about how magic works [bat: HOW DOES MAGIC WORK??!?!], Dove will (maybe?) have some lolzy fun, and it’s going to be a great time all around! [Dove: I’m here because JC and I almost always live-text our reactions to each other’s movie recommendations. I’m using “recommendation” very loosely there.]
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