Random Review: Hellbenders (2012)

Hellbenders

Title: Hellbenders

Year: 2012

Writer/Director: J.T. Petty

Starring: Clancy Brown, Clifton Collins Jr., Larry Fessenden

Tagline: Deliver them to evil (There’s also “They’re going to hell so we won’t have to.” I picked the one I liked better to feature here.)

Description: The Augustine Interfaith Order of Hellbound Saints, a team of blasphemous ministers who live in a constant state of debauchery, work to drag the worst of demons back to Hell. (From IMDb.)

So, hi guys! You might have noticed that my title up there says “Review” rather than “Recap,” and you might further be wondering what the hell I’m doing here, changing up formats and such. (Unless this is your first visit to this site and therefore you have no fucking clue what I’m blabbering about, in which case, Welcome! and how dare you accuse me of blabbering.) To which I respond that every now and then I watch a movie that I want to talk about, but don’t really have the desire to do a full recap of, for whatever reason. So, this marks the first time I’m going to attempt a review with more substance to it than what I write on Letterboxd, but less involved than a full recap. And you get to take this wild ride with me, as I work out all the kinks and bullshit! Lucky(???) you!

Note: because I’m me, there will definitely be spoilers ahead. There are movies/books I’ll review spoiler-free, but this ain’t one of them, y’all.

Continue reading “Random Review: Hellbenders (2012)”

Necromentia (2009)

Necromentia (2009) (Recap #42)

Necromentia (2009)
Necromentia (2009)

Title: Necromentia (2009)

Tagline: Hell awaits the foolish

Summary: Inspired by the work of Clive Barker, Necromentia tells the story of what happens when you meddle with superstition and try to cross into another dimension using the powers of a Ouija board.

Hagen has a dead wife and believes he can bring her back to life. Travis is a man who lost his brother and wants to join him in the afterlife, and Morbius has been betrayed by those he loves and wants to come back from the dead to take revenge. A strange man only known as Mr Skinny protects the secrets of the powerful Ouija board, as all cross the gateways of hell to fulfil their own purpose, facing the hideous monstrosities that reside there as they go.

The above was copy typed from the back of the DVD box. It’s pretty much accurate. It’s also nothing like what happens in the movie. It’s odd that it’s exactly right but so misleading.

Trigger Warnings: Murder, suicide, self-harm, torture, necrophilia, flashing lights, terrible dialogue. [JC: Not making light of trigger warnings, but I’m greatly amused by “terrible dialogue” being right up there with “necrophilia.”]

Notes: I love this movie. I’m not even sorry. I was talking to JC, of Oh God Why?! Nostalgia, and we were talking about our favourite terrible movies. I asked her if she’d like to comment on my recap, because it would be great to see the reaction of someone who’s never seen this movie before (which, as far as I can tell, is anyone who is not me, or did not act in this movie). She said yes. I told her I’d return the favour, so who knows how she’ll feel about this movie and what I’ll end up watching as my penance. [JC: I watched this on YouTube with a watermark in the upper corner and Spanish subtitles at the bottom. So, if nothing else, I at least brushed up on some conversational torture-related Spanish, although I don’t foresee using it much. Except maybe “Hey, I’m not the one fucking a corpse.” I can see that one coming in handy.]

This movie is fucking weird.

Final note: I recapped this in vague detail back in 2011 for my own personal site. The recap has since gone offline, but if you think you’ve read any part of this recap before, don’t worry, I’m only plagiarising myself. Also, thank you, one person, for reading it. That site really didn’t get much traffic.

Continue reading “Necromentia (2009) (Recap #42)”

Recap #8 – 99 Fear Street: The First Horror – R.L. Stine

firsthorror

Title: 99 Fear Street: The First Horror

By: R.L. Stine

Published: 1994

Description: Twin sisters Cally and Kody Frasier aren’t thrilled that their family has moved to Fear Street. They’ve heard the strange stories. They know about the centuries of nightmarish terror. But what they don’t know is that they’ve moved into the one house that even their neighbors on Fear Street are afraid to enter. The house that has stood mysteriously empty for the past thirty years. They moved to 99 Fear Street.

Now they must learn the secret of 99 Fear Street or they will become the next victims of the house of evil.

Nostalgia Time!


This book was released the same month as my 13th birthday, which sounds about right for when I remember reading it. So, mini-story time. My mom was (still is) super religious, and never allowed me to read any of the teen thrillers/horror that had actual supernatural stuff going on in them. She was convinced they brought a demonic presence into the house (don’t even get her started on Harry Potter!) (Future Me just remembered that by the time I was 13 I was actually allowed to watch whatever horror movies I wanted to, so I’m very confused about my mom’s inconsistency here). So if I wanted to read the actual supernatural ones, I basically had to check them out from the library and hide them, or stealth-buy them. I owned this trilogy. Now, these books have some serious haunted/possessed house, Amityville Horror-type vibes going on, and it got to me. I convinced myself that there was an evil vibe around them and got so scared of them that I wanted them out of the house. I didn’t want to get rid of them; I just didn’t want to sleep with them in the same room. So what did my 13-ish year old self do? Why, I locked them in the trunk of my mom’s car, of course! That somehow made sense to me at the time. Anyway, I’m looking forward to revisiting something that scared me so much when I was younger. That means it really must be scary, right? (Future Me: Well . . . )

Continue reading “Recap #8 – 99 Fear Street: The First Horror – R.L. Stine”

Recap #6 – Spring Break – Nick Baron

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Title: Spring Break

By: Nick Baron

Published: 1994

Description: April Mannerly and her friends wanted a spring vacation they’d never forget. And Florida’s historic Isley Inn seemed the perfect place to soak up some rays and do some serious partying. Even cooler, the bed-and-breakfast was rumored to be haunted.

But it’s more than a rumor. The first night there, somebody dies, and April is forced to become party to a secret burial. But at the Isley, bodies don’t stay buried for long. Trapped by a storm, April and her friends face a terrifying nightmare as, one by one, they fall victim to the vengeful spirits of the damned. For the unlucky kids in room 3B, there will be a charge for doom service – their lives . . .

Nostalgia Time!


Doom service? Doom service?! Did the Cryptkeeper write that description? I . . . I haven’t even started this recap and I might be done with it already.

Actually, I remember liking this one a lot and being genuinely scared by it. It was truly a horror novel, with real ghosts/demons/evil spirits, and I know I read it multiple times. (Of course, I was 13 when it was published, so make of that what you will.) And just look at that sandcastle skull on the cover! It’s a total lie, but isn’t it cool? And there’s a character in it somewhere who’s a horror writer, how meta! And lots of scary death scenes!

I might be fooling myself here about how good this book was. It has terrible reviews on Goodreads. (Future Me: . . . yeah . . . I am truly and thoroughly disillusioned with this book. If you need me, I’ll be in the corner drinking and crying.)

Continue reading “Recap #6 – Spring Break – Nick Baron”

Recap #5 – Pet Sematary 2 (1992)

pet-sematary-2-poster.jpg

Title: Pet Sematary 2

Directed by: Mary Lambert

Released: 1992

Tagline: Raise some Hell

Description (from back of box)Sometimes dead is better. But the shocking terror that plagued Ludlow, Maine in Pet Sematary is still very much alive in this heartstopping sequel to the 1989 hit film written by Stephen King.

After the death of his wife, veterinarian Chase Matthews (Anthony Edwards) and his 13-year-old son Jeff (Edward Furlong) move to Ludlow to rebuild their lives. Antagonized by the neighborhood kids, Jeff befriends another outsider, Drew Gilbert, who lives in fear of his cruel stepfather Gus (Clancy Brown). After Gus cold-bloodedly shoots Drew’s beloved dog, the boys bury the body in the local Indian burial grounds – a place rumored to have powers of resurrection. When evil is awakened, the boys realize that sometimes you should just let sleeping dogs lie.

Nostalgia Time!


This is one of my favorite bad movies, so I’ve seen it an embarrassing number of times at this point, although it’s been several years since my last viewing and I’ve never examined it as critically as I’m going to have to for this recap. Even loving it as much as I do, there is so much gristle for the snark mill. Or . . . snark for the gristle mill? Erm . . . yeah. Something like that. Oh, also? Sheriff Gus. That is all.

Continue reading “Recap #5 – Pet Sematary 2 (1992)”

Recap #2 – The Mangler (1995)

mangler

Title: The Mangler

Directed by: Tobe Hooper

Released: 1995

Description (from Netflix because I found it absolutely fucking hilarious): Machines aren’t made to rise up against humans, but in this sci-fi thriller, one does. But why? Police detective John Hunton (Ted Levine) is on the case, as he begins to unravel the strange mystery of a folding machine that seems to yearn not for clothing but for flesh. What’s behind this lust for blood, and just who is responsible for turning it into a mangling creature? The answer may lie with the gadget’s owner, Bill Gartley (Robert Englund).

Tagline: There is a fate worse than death.

Note: For another perspective on this movie, I’ve provided a link to Sean and Joe at The Horror Show podcast, episode three of their Tobe Hooper series. I don’t share their weird hate-on for Ted Levine (hell, I like the guy), but they’re funny as fuck. Check ’em out!

Nostalgia Time!


Wow, that description, though. “But why?” is what I was asking throughout this entire movie. Also, the fate worse than death mentioned in the tagline? Pretty sure it’s referring to watching this movie. So, The Mangler came out in 1995, and I’m pretty sure I saw it when it was fairly new on VHS (kids, ask your parents), so I was maybe 15 or 16? I remember renting it when I was at the height of my Robert Englund/Freddy Krueger kick, so maybe more like 16 or 17. Whatever. Moving on. I don’t remember hating it back then. I didn’t remember much about it at all, really, except that I didn’t love it, didn’t hate it . . . and I always thought it was going to be a bit ridiculous, because if you’ve read the original Stephen King story, you have to know it’s not going to translate well to the screen. It’s just not. I mean, it’s a possessed laundry machine that at the end of the story comes to life and becomes mobile, ripping itself off its moorings and killing people (spoilers?), so of course that was never going to play well on screen! So I never really had nostalgia glasses on with this one, since upon rewatching it I realized I barely remembered anything about it from my first viewing. Now I’m pretty sure that was my brain trying to protect me by blocking it out so that I didn’t have to spend the rest of my days obsessing over how magnificently awful it was. Like I’ve been doing ever since I rewatched it, after I asked myself, “It couldn’t have been that bad, could it?”

Spoiler alert: yes. Yes, it could. Continue reading “Recap #2 – The Mangler (1995)”