Recap #79 – The Covenant (2006)

Title: The Covenant

Director: Renny Harlin

Released: Sept. 8, 2006 (USA)

Taglines: Only the power of hell can help them.

or:

To save the future, they must battle their past.

Description: Four young men who belong to a New England supernatural legacy are forced to battle a fifth power long thought to have died out. Meanwhile, jealousy and suspicion threaten to tear them apart.

Nostalgia Time!

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This was one of those movies that I was never quite sure if I’d seen or not. Even after listening to the How Did This Get Made podcast’s episode on it (which I would love to link here, because they’re hilarious, but unfortunately the older episodes are behind a paywall . . . which I signed up for a free trial for so I could re-listen to the episode, because that’s just how obsessive I get about things), I still couldn’t have told you if I’d seen it or not. Everything about it is familiar, standard mid-2000s aesthetic – title is “The” followed by a noun? Check. Blue filter over everything? Check. Bunch of pretty people in their 20s playing teenagers? Check. Rob Zombie on the soundtrack? Check! Some sort of supernatural shenanigans? Check! Menacing hot boy? Check! Brooding hero? Got that, too!

Basically, even if you haven’t seen this specific movie, you’ve seen this movie.

I had not seen this specific movie, it turned out, until recently. I’d been rewatching a lot of Marvel movies, and got curious about what else Sebastian Stan had been in, and that led me to this movie. It didn’t hurt that Chace Crawford from The Boys was in it as well, although I had a lot of trouble recognizing him at first. I kept staring at him and mentally trying to add 15ish years onto him, because yeah, I didn’t start watching Gossip Girl until recently, either.

Basically, I could not tell any of these boys apart at first, and was mainly referring to them in my head as Main Guy, The Deep, Longhair, Blonde Guy, and Sebastian Stan. Then it turned out Longhair (Taylor Kitsch) was actually Gambit from X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and he was the same guy I’d been saying for literal years was an amazing Gambit and should be cast for the stand-alone movie. I watched him for an hour and a half in this movie the first time around without a single shred of recognition. I dunno, is it possible to spontaneously develop face blindness in your late thirties?

Anyway, this movie is not good. But it hits the right level of bad that makes me love it. I love screaming BUT WHAT ARE THE RULES?! at my screen as I watch. I love the terrible dialogue, and the fact that they gave Sebastian Stan some of the cringiest lines I’ve ever heard.

I love the fact that I’m bringing Dove (who has never seen this) and bat (who has watched this multiple times) [bat: “for fun”, I love shitty films like this, what can I say.] along for the ride. I’m going to be screaming about the rules, bat is going to scream about how magic works [bat: HOW DOES MAGIC WORK??!?!], Dove will (maybe?) have some lolzy fun, and it’s going to be a great time all around! [Dove: I’m here because JC and I almost always live-text our reactions to each other’s movie recommendations. I’m using “recommendation” very loosely there.]

Recap #65 – Zodiac Chillers #4: Twisted Taurus by Ellen Steiber

Title: Twisted Taurus

Series: Zodiac Chillers

Author: Ellen Steiber

Published: Oct. 1995

Tagline: She gets what she wants – always!

Description: Micaela wants Darci – and her brother . . .

Darci is the new girl. Dying to get a new life. Fast. Enter Micaela, the ultimate Taurus. So loyal, so devoted – her friendship grows into a poisonous obsession. Darci’s dates are ruined. Her brother is seduced. For Micaela was out to possess him from the very start . . . .

Nostalgia Time!

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Okay, nope, I was not aware of this series when it was first published. I was clearly aware of the Jahnna N. Malcolm Zodiac series, because I owned the Leo entry, but I’ve never read any from the Zodiac Chillers series. This series only lasted eight books, and one of them is titled “The Thirteenth Sign,” so that means there are only seven books related to the commonly-known zodiac signs. Also, they’re all out of order, and weren’t published anywhere near their corresponding sign. This one, Taurus (April 21 – May 21), was published in October, for fuck sake. That should be either Libra or Scorpio.

I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but it does.

Anyway, this one seems to be the easiest to get hold of – it’s the one I’ve heard podcasters talk about, and it’s the only one I’ve seen in any of my local used bookstores. A few of them are available online for more than I’m currently willing to pay (meaning over $20 – not too outlandish, but still more than I’m willing to pay for books that I’m not attached to that retailed for $3.99 originally), and a few are available for more reasonable prices. Still others are out of stock and unavailable every time I check.

So. Let’s see what we’re getting ourselves into, shall we?

Recap #64 – Murder, She Wrote ep. 5.13 Fire Burn, Cauldron Bubble

Behold the witchy pentagram of witchiness

Title: Murder, She Wrote episode 5.13 “Fire Burn, Cauldron Bubble”

Director:  John Llewellyn Moxey

Writer: Tom Sawyer [lol]

Original Airdate: Feb. 19, 1989 [Wait, this wasn’t a Halloween episode? I am confuse.]

Description: Jessica is suspicious when the appearance of the ghost of a long-dead witch burned at the stake coincides with the release of a book on the very subject.

Guest Stars: Brad Dourif, Roddy McDowall, Bill Maher, Dee Wallace Stone, Christopher Stone

Nostalgia Time!

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No, seriously, this wasn’t a Halloween episode? How is that even possible? This was closer to Valentine’s Day?! Whut?

Sorry.

So, this is one of the murder mystery/detective shows I used to watch with my mom all the time starting when I was probably around 8 years old or so. I loved mysteries, and would always try to figure out whodunnit before the end of the episode. I was usually pretty good at it, too. I figured out early on that it was usually the person nobody is suspecting, too, even if that is a cliche.

I don’t remember watching this episode way back in the day, but I definitely sought it out many years ago after I became aware of Brad Dourif (who, thanks to seven Child’s Play movies, is shaping up to be the most-recapped actor on this site). I sought this episode out again more recently due to the presence of Roddy McDowall (who is very shortly going to be challenging Mr. Dourif for the title of Most-Recapped Actor on this site). Anyway, this episode is a ridiculous amount of fun and, well, ridiculousness.

I’m not sure why Murder, She Wrote is enjoying a renaissance among my age bracket and the one just below mine, but I’m happy it is. It makes me feel like less of a dud for enjoying it.

Recap #34 – Gallows Hill by Lois Duncan

This isn’t the cover I have, but it’s the one I remember.

Title: Gallows Hill

Author: Lois Duncan

Published: 1997

Tagline: They don’t burn witches anymore. Do they?

Description: Sarah can see people’s secrets in an ordinary crystal paperweight. Too bad they still believe in witches in Pine Crest. And they don’t like them at all. Sarah’s about to relive a horrible ordeal that happened hundreds of years ago – unless someone can undo a terrible wrong.

Nostalgia Time!

I remember checking this out of the library when it was brand new. I mentioned this briefly in my Killing Mr. Griffin recap, but I read this book shortly before the TV movie aired. The movie was kind of a huge disappointment, but I remember liking the book a lot. I don’t remember the book very well, because the movie overrode my memory of the book a bit, and they changed, uh, pretty much everything from book to movie. Anyway, I tend to prefer LoDunc when she does supernatural, and Gallows Hill has reincarnation, witchcraft, fortune-telling . . . the LoDunc I enjoy the most!

Although, I do recall something about our main girl, Sarah, dressing as a “gypsy” to do her fortune-telling, which is . . . not great. Both that LoDunc uses that word, which we now recognize as a slur, and that we’re using Romani culture as a costume. Maybe this isn’t as egregious as I remember, but then again, maybe it’s worse. 1990s books were full of stuff that makes us cringe these days, so this is pretty much par for the course.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to revisiting this one. Even if I don’t like it as much as I remember, it can’t be as bad as the last one – Jo Gibson’s The Seance, which had me rage-caps-locking and cursing like it was going out of style.