Recap #69 – Tales From the Crypt Episode 5.7 – “House of Horror”

Yes, I want to live here, please and thank you

Title: Tales From the Crypt “House of Horror” episode 5.7

Airdate: Oct. 27, 1993

Description: The leader of a fraternity pledge discovers tactics even more vicious than his own. With Kevin Dillon and Wil Wheaton.

Guest Stars: Keith Coogan, Michael DeLuise, Courtney Gains, Brian Krause, Jason London, Meredith Salenger, Wil Wheaton, Kevin Dillon

Nostalgia Time!

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Tales From the Crypt is just about my favorite thing ever. That might be an exaggeration, but I’m gonna roll with it anyway. I don’t remember when I saw this episode for the first time, but it’s definitely one of my personal favorites. (And is included in my 15 Fave Tales From the Crypt list from last month.)

This ep stars a bunch of actors you probably recognize from various 80s and 90s movies and TV, and the story itself is like a mishmash of at least a few urban legends. (Particularly one about a coughing ghost; or the one about the coffin that comes after people, but you give it a cough drop and the coffin stopped. Anyone remember that silly ghost story?)

Anyway, I don’t have much more to say here, so let’s just jump into it.

Recap

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As with all Tales episodes, we open with the Cryptkeeper intro. In this one, he’s dressed like a judge and telling us we’ve been accused of watching too much Tales From the Crypt. Do we understand the charges? Nope, and neither does he. Cool. Moving on.

The actual episode fades in on what is clearly a frat house, complete with a Wall of Shame, paddles for spanking pledges on the wall, and pin-up girl posters. A frat bro named Sparks (Michael DeLuise – yes, he is one of Dom Deluise’s sons) walks into the room, playing a hand-held video game, and almost collides with another frat bro, Courtney Gains, who I guess doesn’t get a character name here. He played one of the creepy teenage kids in Children of the Corn.

We follow him into the living room, where frat president Tex Crandell (Brian Krause) is sitting on the couch looking at a girlie magazine. Then Pledge Arling (Wil Wheaton), crawling around on the floor and wearing only a pair of tighty-whities with Greek letters and “Pledge, Kick Me” written across the ass, crawls up and grovels requests to clean the floor under Crandell’s feet. With a toothbrush. As you do.

Pledgemaster Les Wilton (Kevin Dillon) storms into the house and immediately starts berating Arling to clean up the dog shit he just tracked in, because he’s maybe the biggest asshole on Earth? Then he yells at the two other pledges, Waters and Henderson (Keith Coogan and Jason London), for daring to turn around to see what’s going on. They also are in their Pledge tighty-whities and scrubbing the floor with toothbrushes.

Arling starts to clean the floor again, but Wilton reminds him that he needs to kiss the soles of his dog shit encrusted shoes first. When Arling hesitates, Wilton tells him he can quit, just like Wall of Shamer D.D. DeWitt. Even after he quit and left the frat house, Wilton hounded him into a nervous breakdown, claiming it was beautiful and one of those things that makes him proud to be a Gamma Delt.

Wow, his death cannot come soon enough, guys.

Arling very reluctantly kisses the sole of Wilton’s shoe, while the other pledges and the audience gag a little, then goes back to cleaning the floor. Just to really drive home the assholishness, Wilton gets up and smears more dog shit on the floor in front of Arling.

Waters and Henderson expound on the violence they’d like to do to Wilton, but Arling counters that he just wants it over with, because the only thing keeping him hanging on is –

the doorbell rings. Wilton yells from the kitchen that they better not make a brother get up to answer the door, so Arling crawls over to it and opens the door to see a sorority girl, Mona (Meredith Salenger). As she tells Crandell, her sorority, Delta Omega Alpha, just opened a chapter on campus and is looking for a fraternity to affiliate with. For social gatherings. You know. And also, uh, don’t think about the acronym of their sorority, okay?

Mona invites “three or four” of the brothers over to their house for dinner (PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE ACRONYM I’M SURE IT MEANS NOTHING!), but alas, Wilton is suspicious that this is a sorority initiation where they’re going to make fools out of the bros. So, he tells her that tonight is the pledges’ final test of courage at “an off-campus locale” and that it’s his job to make men out of these boys. Mona counters that she always thought making men out of boys was a woman’s job. She’s also been giving Arling some pretty suggestive looks this whole time. 1993 Wil Wheaton crawling around on the floor in tighty-whities does nothing for me, but you do you, hon.

Wilton makes a crass comment, because that’s just the type of dipshit he is, and then insincerely apologizes and invites Mona and her sisters to come out to the initiation. Or hazing. Or test of courage. I dunno, whatever. Everything I know about frats I learned from the movies, which I’m sure are totes accurate.

Mona winks at Arling as she leaves, and he continues what he was saying before she arrived -“That’s what’s keeping me going.” Mmhmm, hold that thought, though.

Cut to nighttime, the pledges being driven off-campus by Crandell and unnamed frat boy, Courtney Gains. Courtney apologizes to the blindfolded pledges, telling them they don’t really approve of Wilton. Crandell elaborates that they let him continue his torture of pledges because he blackmailed the Dean six years ago to keep the frat from being shut down over a cheating scandal. Yep, six years ago. Wilton is the type of guy who never graduates. I feel he’s the spiritual brother to Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused – he gets older, but the girls stay the same age.

Wilton steps out in front of the car holding a flaming torch, and announces that the pledges walk from here. As they do, he makes them recite the history of the house. Long story short, there was a hermit with a black cloak and a cough (it’s called the Cougher House, or maybe Coffer House? I don’t have subtitles, so it’s unclear); he got swindled out of the house; the house was turned into a frat house; The Cougher cursed the house and killed himself; a year later nine frat boys were murdered by someone with an ax, a black cloak, and a hacking cough. The house was then condemned. And is now used for hazing ceremonies, it would seem.

Anyway, of course “people say” the house is haunted by the coughing ghost, trying to keep people out of his house. No word on why a ghost would be coughing. You’re dead! You don’t need to breathe!

They reach the house, and the camera pulls out to give us the shot in the screencap up there, amid dramatic music and wolves howling. Alas, there are no werewolves in this episode. (As I’ve said elsewhere, Tales only did two werewolf eps in seven seasons, but many, many vampire episodes. Hell, the werewolf episodes? Both have vampires in them!)

Wilton explains the rules of the initiation to the pledges, the frat bros we’ve been introduced to, and Mona and three of her sorority sisters who decided to show up after all. Each pledge has to go in the house individually, flash their flashlight out a second-floor window, then climb the ladder to the attic and flash the light, then wait there for Wilton to call them down. Everyone’s just kinda like, okayyyyy, and he tells them it won’t be that easy – the joint’s haunted! And Mr. Ax Murderer doesn’t like guests!

Uh, yeah bro. You told us all that literally thirty seconds ago. What the hell.

Also, this is the bit that I was reminded of when I recapped a Nightmare Hall book for The Devil’s Elbow website. (And snarkily bemoaned that I’d rather be recapping this right then! So, haha, now I am!)

Wilton calls on Henderson to go into the house first, and Mona wishes him good luck – she and her sisters are counting on him, because they just love fraternity men. Waters and Arling exchange “oh boy!” looks with each other as Henderson heads toward the house, and Wilton creeps on Mona, asking her where the rest of her sisters are; this can’t be all of them, can it? Then he reveals that he and Sparks have some great gags rigged up in the house, and uh . . . can Waters and Arling not hear you say that? They’re, like, right there.

Also, there are only four of you full-fledged frat boys, sorry, men, there, so like . . . where are the rest of your brothers?

The inside of the house is dusty and dirty and cobwebby, and there’s a dead animal on the floor. I may be rethinking my plans to move into the creepy old house.

Sparks is sitting in a convertible with a remote control . . . soundboard, I guess? He hits a button, and a hacking cough can be heard inside the house. Wilton runs over and compliments him on the great coughing, and Sparks tells him he recorded the coughing at the lung cancer ward of the hospital. Lovely. And also, aren’t you all in plain view of Waters and Arling?! Like, how scared are they going to be on their turns if they can literally see you pushing buttons to make the scary sounds happen?

Inside the house, Henderson makes his way through cobwebs to the staircase, and runs his hand up the banister as he ascends. From the looks of this banister, that’s a great way to get splinters, so uh. Have fun with that.

He’s about halfway up the first set of stairs when a man in a cloak flies down at him! Frights! Screams! Terror!

Oh, psych. It was just a dummy. Henderson rips it down and throws it to the floor behind him, ruining that particular gag for Waters and Arling when it’s their turns.

Outside, Sparks hits a button and the sound of a chainsaw can be heard coming from the house. Wilton immediately runs over and calls him an asshole, because it’s supposed to be the ghost of an ax murderer, not a chainsaw massacre! Sparks claims artistic license. Yeah, come on, Wilton. A ghost can’t change it up over the last sixty years?

Also, ax murders probably don’t make for great sound effects.

Waters and Arling see the flashlight flash in the second-floor window, and cheer on their doomed buddy. Immediately, they hear him scream, but Waters claims it was just the sound effects they’ve got wired and they’ll see him in the attic window any second. Uh, boys, how quickly do you think a person can climb a fucking ladder to the attic and get to that window? Because this house is big.

Henderson does not appear in the attic window.

Additionally, we hear another chainsaw sound from the house, while Sparks bangs on his soundboard in confusion, finally producing another cough.

Wilton, annoyed that Henderson hasn’t appeared in the attic yet, dismisses him as “not Gamma Delta material,” and sends Waters in. Mona bucks the unsure Waters up by telling him to “Go get ’em, Tiger.”

My knowledge of Meredith Salenger is basically this episode; The Journey of Natty Gann; and “is married to Patton Oswalt,” but apparently I’ve just developed a huge crush on her. Like, just now.

Anyway.

Waters starts to head into the house while another unseen wolf howls and Arling and Mona make eyes at each other. Then Arling sees a figure in a cloak, holding an ax, in the second-floor windows, but by the time he yells at Waters, the figure is gone, and no one else saw it. Of course. Waters hesitates, but Wilton makes obnoxious chicken noises at him until he continues into the house.

Kevin Dillon has the kind of face that makes you immediately think he’s an asshole, and judging from the roles he was cast in as a young man, I’m clearly not the only one who thinks so.

Waters enters the house chewing gum and yelling for Henderson; gets a little spooked by the coughing (maybe he and Arling somehow didn’t see/hear Sparks talking about wiring the house for sound?); then sticks his hand in some gooey red stuff on the banister and screams at it. Then he looks closer, sniffs his hand, licks the red stuff (. . .ew? like, maybe don’t do that, just in case?) and declares it “strawberry jelly? Those fuckers!” and then stomps up the stairs in a huff.

Outside, Mona is still making eyes at Arling. Look, I find current-day Wil Wheaton to be kind of nerd-attractive, but I in no way believe Mona thinks “Still Has One More Year of Being Wesley Crusher” Wil Wheaton is Mr. Irresistible Hunk. In other words, be suspicious of this!

Then there’s a scream from the house, and a window breaks as a human arm comes flying out and lands on the hood of one of the cars! Courtney Gains grabs it, then throws it back down, proclaiming it to be real. Waters appears at the broken window, yelling down that Wilton is really fucking sick, and Crandell speculates that Wilton must have stolen the arm from the med school.

Then there’s another sound of a chainsaw revving from the house.

Sparks beats on his soundboard again, while Wilton yells at him about the fucking chainsaw. So inauthentic to their fake ax murder haunting, you know? Sparks explains that his system must be messed up; that was supposed to be a scream. He hits the soundboard some more, finally producing a scream over the sounds of the chainsaw. Wilton is satisfied, but Sparks is confused. His system can’t do two sounds at once.

Mmm. That’s probably not good, no?

Sometime later, no sign of Waters in the attic window. Wilton is convinced the two pledges are fucking with him, trying to make him look bad. Wilton would probably be a fan of ranting and bullying people on Twitter.

He argues with Arling about it being his turn now, but Arling definitely saw someone with an ax in the window, so he’s definitely not going, even after Wilton bets him a hundred bucks he can’t even make it to the second floor, and Crandell tries to talk him into it by pointing out that Henderson and Waters both made it at least that far.

Arling is not having it. At least, until Mona sidles up to him and points out that a hundred bucks would buy them one terrific dinner date.

There is, apparently, no power like the power of boners.

Arling turns around and heads toward the house again. Wilton asks Mona if the offer of a dinner date applies to him, too, and she says yes, if he wins – but he won’t. She’s sure “that young man will rise to the occasion.” Then we see Arling heading up the porch steps, framed through her spread-very-wide legs. God save us from the male gaze.

Wilton wanders over to Sparks again to compliment him on the “arm gag.” Sparks thought Wilton did it. Rather than being in any way concerned about how a random human arm came to be there, they laugh companionably with each other. Mmkay then. Wilton tells Sparks to really “fry” Arling, and Sparks lets loose with another menacing cough sound effect. Honestly, it’s far more annoying than it is scary. Or maybe you just have to have grown up with someone who grossly exaggerated their real physical ailments for attention and sympathy to end up as an adult who wants to flip tables over fake coughing.

Arling creeps up the stairs, calling for Waters and Henderson. When he reaches the landing, we see a cloaked figure with an ax running along behind him. After more creeping, calling, and actual sounds coming from the house, the figure accosts Arling, sending him reeling back, where he crashes through the railing and backward somersaults down the stairs. Hmm. Nice launch, but his form leaves something to be desired, and he couldn’t stick the landing. This judge gives him a 1.00.

All of Arling’s yelling and cursing brings everyone outside running inside, where dickbag Wilton thinks he was scared by the dummy-on-a-string lying next to him. Arling yells that no, it wasn’t the dummy, it was a ghost upstairs! Wilton tells him the haunting is bullshit, along with the story – it was made up years ago and printed in the school paper so pledges would have something to research for initiation. Huh. And the school admin went along with this? Okay.

Wilton tells Arling that he owes him a hundred bucks for his date with Mona, because she likes men, not wimps. He puts his arm around her, and she looks somewhat less than enthused about him. Same, Mona, same.

Crandell tells Wilton to call Waters and Henderson down, and he yells up at the attic, but alas, Waters and Henderson do not appear. Arling snarks at Wilton, asking him wasn’t he actually supposed to go up to the attic himself to get them? Wilton explodes, thinking it’s an ambush planned out by the pledges to attack him. Yup, that sort of conspiracy theory paranoia convinces me that Wilton would be very at home on the internet!

Crandell needles Wilton about being afraid of a couple of “dweeb pledges,” and wait, now there are one or two random guys standing behind Crandell. What? I’m sure it’s not important to the story; they’re probably supposed to be some other random frat bros, but I swear these guys were nowhere to be seen earlier. Weird. Where did they come from?!

Wilton reluctantly starts up the stairs, and the sound of coughing can be heard. He yells at Sparks to knock it off, but he’s not doing it! Yes. Coughing. Scary.

Wilton tries to talk the others into coming up with him, but nope, they’re not having it. Everyone starts making those obnoxious chicken noises at him, and he vows he’ll pay back every last one of them. And probably their little dogs, too.

Once upstairs, Wilton is accosted by the cloaked figure. Instead of imitating a terrible gymnast, Wilton screams, falls down, and, I presume, pisses himself. The figure laughs at him for a minute, then removes his mask. Surprise, it’s D.D. DeWitt! He guesses he just proved Wilton isn’t Gamma Delt material, either.

DeWitt informs Wilton that he put a note on the attic door telling the pledges not to signal or come down until they heard the password, “Happy Birthday.” He signed the note from Wilton, except it definitely sounds like the actor said “Wilson.” Whoops. Guess Tales From the Crypt didn’t have time for more than one take, huh?

Mona turns to leave with her sisters, despite Wilton whining that he won; she owes him a date! Hahahahaha NO. No one owes you a date, fucker.

Crandell tells Wilton to call Waters and Henderson down, and Wilton proceeds to yell the angriest “Happy Birthday” I’ve ever heard up the stairs. No response. Crandell tells him to go up and get them or he’ll . . . “spill his ass”? Does . . . does that make sense? Is that a thing? I’m not at all sure I head that correctly.

As Wilton mutters his way up the stairs, Sparks asks DeWitt if he was the one who rigged the arm, then, but DeWitt has no idea what arm he’s talking about. Courtney Gains holds it up, because I guess he’s just been carrying it around this whole time? Oh, well, what did we expect from Malachai from Children of the Corn? They realize that the arm belongs to Henderson based on its pledge ring, and all promptly freak the fuck out.

Meanwhile, Wilton reaches the attic and finds a metal trash can full of some very fresh-looking human bones, including two skulls. Ruh-roh.

Four (?) women appear from the shadows and welcome him to Delta Omega Alpha’s pledge night – they just loooove frat boys. The lead sister flips a light on, and the girls’ faces are very monster-y. Sure enough, Lead Sister tells Wilton that DOA is an all ghouls sorority. Oh. Uh. Cool? As Mona and her three sisters come up in the elevator, Lead Sister continues, telling Wilton that he’s definitely Delta Omega material – dinner.

Best girl rock band ever

Mona exits the elevator, telling Wilton that he gets his dinner date after all, and the first sister tells the pledges to eat every bite or they’ll end up on the wall of shame! They all advance toward him with chainsaws and meat cleavers as he cowers against the boards on the wall that say “Wall of Shame,” then we see blood splatter across the boards.

Downstairs, the whole group watches as Wilton’s head bounces down the stairs to them, then there’s a collective scream as the perspective switches to an exterior view of the house while we continue to hear chainsaws sawing; ghouls laughing; and boys screaming.

Also, I now have the Misfits’ “Ghouls Night Out” playing through my head on a loop. I’m not mad.

We meet back up with Judge Cryptkeeper for the outro; he gives us some puns about college costing an arm and a leg, then our verdict is in. There are three skeletons hanging from nooses – a hung jury. So, does that mean we can be retried for watching too much Tales From the Crypt, or . . . ?

Nostalgia Glasses Off

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This episode is a lot of fun, no doubt about it. It’s maybe not the best episode of Tales ever, but I enjoy it every time, and it wouldn’t be the worst place to start if you’ve never watched Tales before.

I always have to wonder if the other guys got out of the house okay, or if they too ended up Delta Omega snacks. Oh, well. Poor Waters and Henderson; they did nothing wrong. But at least Wilton got his.

And just because it’s going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the night, here y’all go: