Recap #67 – The Cheerleader by Caroline B. Cooney

Title: The Cheerleader (Vampire’s Promise trilogy, Book 1)

Author: Caroline B. Cooney

Published: June 1991

Tagline: She would do anything to be popular.

Description: She wants it all. But he wants more.

The cheerleader. The beautiful, popular girl who sparkles with energy and excitement. The girl everyone looks at with envy. The girl Althea longs to be.

Althea is a nobody. Invisible. She gets no phone calls, shares no laughter, has no friends.

Until she meets him.

“Suppose,” he says with an evil smile, “that I could make you popular.” All Althea has to do is agree to a simple bargain. An evil bargain. And she becomes a cheerleader.

But Althea wants more.

And she’ll do whatever she has to do to get it.

Nostalgia Time!

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Boy, you wouldn’t think a book called “The Cheerleader” would turn out to be about a vampire, would you? Or, a . . . wishpire? Djinnpire? Vamdjinn? Vajinn? . . . Vagina? . . . I’ll stop now. It’s a goddamn vampire who grants wishes, okay?

This book would have come out around the time I was turning 10, but I’m pretty sure I read the second one in the trilogy first. So I was probably 11 or 12 when I read this series. I used to love this trilogy, and wish for my own wishpire to grant me friends and popularity (and when we get to the second book, add “beauty, brains, and athleticism” to the list). Look, I was a sad kid, okay? Fifth grade was awful, the beginning of sixth was going okay until some girl who hated me started turning my new best friend against me, then we moved from California back to Kansas and I basically just stopped going to school; fell into the throes of debilitating social anxiety and depression . . . it was a dark time in my life, especially from ages 11-14ish. That’s one of the reasons these old books meant so much to me – they were my escape.

As a kid, I read this and wanted some magical being to come fix my life, too. I probably would have done some morally shady shit to be liked, just like the girl in this book. I’ve mostly moved on from that mindset, but that sad, angry tween is still floating around somewhere in the back of my head, popping up every now and then to be angry and sad at me. I remember the wish-fulfillment present in reading this as that kid, but I no longer feel it present in reading this as an adult.

Also, a note on Cooney – her writing style is one of the more challenging ones to get through among the Point Horror authors. Not because it’s an advanced writing style or anything, but because it’s so dreamy-feeling. Some people have described it as “whimsical,” but I describe it as “gauzy.” It’s like reading everything through a warm haze. Like gauzy curtains blowing around you on a hot summer day. This can be either comforting or cloying, depending on your mood, and the particular story. I don’t think this is a thing I noticed as a kid, but as an adult it slaps you in the face. Gauzy curtains whipping around in the hot wind, slapping the living shit out of your grown-ass face.

Recap

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We open with no sense of where we are, because when your writing is full of gauze, who needs things like location descriptions. Althea, no last name given and also no mention of her parents in any of the 179 pages of this book, is . . . somewhere . . . talking to the wishpire, who is offering to make her popular. Oh. Now all I can think of is this:

Just for the hell of it, I’m now going to picture the vampire as Glinda.

Apparently Althea is used to there being a vampire here in her house, because she waits for him to leave, thinking he usually leaves early. We get no sense of how long she has lived in this house. For all I know, she was born here and somehow didn’t realize there was a vampire living in the shutters of the tower room until she was sixteen. (I know I’m jumping ahead here, but Cooney literally doesn’t give us any background on any of this, and it’s all so very weird and not traditional vampire lore.)

Anyhow, Althea takes the bait and asks how he can make her popular. He wants to know who the most popular people are at her school, and that’s easy – the cheerleaders. Additionally, Celeste is the most popular girl on the Varsity Squad, which is doubly unfair because she’s only a freshman!

Uh. I was always under the impression that Junior Varsity was for freshmen and sophomores, and Varsity was for juniors and seniors. That is not the case in this book, and I am confused. Is this my mistake, or Cooney’s?

Well, whatever. Althea goes on in her head for a bit, thinking about how she was popular in elementary and middle school, but everything changed when she got to high school. We’re told that people used to quiet down to hear her “whispery tremor” of a voice, but now it makes her invisible. All her friends abandoned her in high school, going on to join groups that had boyfriends, or got super into studying, or were all about Individuality and New Experiences – this group wore “trendy clothing or torn jeans; unique sweatshirts or obscene earrings.”

Look, I know what she means, okay? Even so, I can’t help picturing kids wearing earrings shaped like little dicks, or depicting people fucking doggie-style. Man. Those would be some obscene earrings!

The vampire, who may or may not be Kristin Chenoweth cosplaying as Dracula, suggests that Celeste could be taken off the squad. They would have to hold tryouts for her replacement. Althea had tried out to begin with, but hadn’t made the cut. She’s super dramatic about remembering the “humiliation and despair” of being cut long before the final round of tryouts. Vampy suggests that he may be able to arrange for the competition to be missing, and Althea dreams of one day becoming captain of the squad, and maybe even dating Michael, whoever the fuck that is.

Althea suddenly thinks that although she’s envious of the popular girls, she’s a kind person (debatable), so she worries about what will happen to Celeste if she gives her to a fucking vampire. He assures her that Celeste will be fine, just a little “tuckered out.” She’s still not sure, so he tells her to go to school tomorrow and think about how nobody notices her, how she’s a nobody, and how much better it would be if she were a cheerleader. All she has to do is deliver Celeste to him, and he’ll make her popular.

I want to thank this book for making me type the word “popular” over and over, so that I now have the entire soundtrack to Wicked playing on a loop in my head. If I find a way to work “No Good Deed” into this recap, rest assured I will fucking do it.

Althea goes to school the next day, and her only claim to popularity is that she has the same lunch schedule as the cheerleaders, so she can seethe with envy at them. She has nowhere to sit, and laments the fact that no one just magically waves her over and invites her to sit with them. Okay, I’ve recapped other books with this exact scene in them, and I’ll say the same thing here that I’ve said before – make a move yourself! Say hi, ask to sit down, don’t wait for everyone else to notice how wonderful you are and jump all over you! Don’t be a friendship incel!

Also, Althea is in fucking tenth grade, and it’s November. Has she been doing this awkward cafeteria dance for a year and some months? Like, she’s never had anywhere to sit in over a year? What the hell.

For two more days, Althea spies on the popular kids in the cafeteria, eavesdropping on their talk of Ryan (literally no one in this book has a last name, by the way) and his car that only has one working door – the rear passenger side; Kimmie-Jo backing her car into a tree; Michael and the brand new car he got for his seventeenth birthday last week; and Celeste whining about only being fourteen and it being forever and ever and ever before she’ll get to drive. Oh, shut up, Celeste, this is the 90s. You can get your restricted license at fifteen if you take driver’s ed first (depending what state you’re in). Althea also is annoyed at Celeste, but that’s because Althea is sixteen and has nothing. I assumed this meant she doesn’t have a car since that’s what the whole fucking conversation was about, but it turns out Althea does have a car, so what the fuck.

Yeah, I don’t enjoy this book so much as an adult.

Althea walks up to the group, expecting them to spit on her and chase her through the streets with torches and pitchforks (paraphrasing), but instead they’re nice and greet her like normal fucking human beings. She’s shocked that Ryan knows her name, and then Celeste knows where she lives (“that big spooky house at the bottom of the hill”) and asks if her house is haunted. Althea tells her of course not, like it’s the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard. Yeah, of course there aren’t ghosts, you twit. There’s only a goddamn wish-granting vampire living in the fucking shutters.

Althea relents a little and tells them that there is a Shuttered Room in the attic tower, where there were three windows with shutters on the outside and inside. Like, I know that’s where the vampire lives ( . . . for some reason), but I’ve never heard of shutters on the inside of a window.

She also tells the group that they may have admired the tower when they’ve driven by. Not “noticed” the tower. Admired. Conceited much, Althea? Also, when would they have driven by? From the description we get, I was under the impression this house is by itself at the end of a road, at the bottom of a hill. Then again, Cooney doesn’t bother describing mundane things when she doesn’t have to, so you find yourself with no idea where anything is or what it looks like.

Celeste somehow takes this as confirmation that the house is haunted, and Althea snaps that it isn’t; it’s just that nobody’s allowed to go in the Shuttered Room. Then we find out through her thoughts that it’s only been a month since she opened the shutters and set the vampire free. No word on how long she’s lived in the house, but I realized it has to be at least since she was in elementary school, since her elementary/middle school former friends are at her current high school. At least ten years, and she only wandered into the tower room a month ago? Okay.

Althea walks through the hallways with Celeste, and she’s friendly enough that Althea thinks maybe they can be friends without the vampire running interference for her! Celeste will be her doorway into popularity! That seems pretty manipulative, Althea.

Althea finds out that Celeste lives “miles and miles” outside of town and that nobody likes giving her a ride since she’s so far away. She also finds out that Michael is dating Constance, who is super perfect and nice in every way. Althea, warmed by the idea of friendship and not having to feed anyone to the shutter vampire after all, invites Celeste to her house. Celeste tells her how sweet she is and that the invitation is so nice of her, but she has cheerleading practice “of course.”

It’s the “of course” tacked onto the end that pisses Althea off enough to throw friendship to the four corners of Hell and decide to serve this unbelievable little cunt up to the vampire on a serving platter.

You have cheerleading practice, of course, thought Althea. Celeste, my friend, I have a car, of course. And a Shuttered Room, of course. And a vampire.

Althea, my friend, I think you’re overreacting to a simple phrase, of course.

She drives around town seething in a jealous rage until she ends up back at the school, where she watches cheerleading practice. For some reason this is outside instead of in the gym, where I always assumed most cheerleading practices took place, especially in fucking November. She whines internally about how she’d like to sit with any of the other people watching the practice, but nobody has bothered to dislocate their shoulders waving her over, so obviously they would all run her out of town for making the first move to be friendly.

She does catch Celeste’s eye and giggle with her a few times over what a hardass the cheerleading coach is, and she thinks again that they’re maybe like friends. But after practice, Celeste mentions that she has to wait a whole hour for a ride home, then has the fucking gall to complain that nobody is around when Althea is right there! So Althea offers her a ride so that she can feed Celeste to the vampire, of course.

God, I hope I’ve never come across the way Althea does. Like, in my worst moments I absolutely feel the way she does, but I also hate how insufferable her attitude is. I really hope I’ve never actually inflicted this type of bitter envy on anyone outwardly.

Then again, I guess other than delivering people to a vampire, Althea has kept most of her shit internal, so . . . *shrug*

The next chapter opens with Althea describing the vampire to us:

His skin had darkened in patches, like fruit going bad. If she touched it, the skin would feel like a sponge. The fingernails seemed detached. She could pluck them, harvest them, fill a basket with old vampire nails.

Okay, sexy vampire this is not.

Althea asks what happened with Celeste, and Vampy asks if she wants details. She declines, asking instead for an overall picture. She thinks that he looks healthier than the last time she saw him, and realizes it’s because she fed Celeste to him. She thinks that she’s bad and evil, then brushes that off and tells herself that she did what she had to do, and Celeste deserved it, so there.

Hey, remember back at the very beginning of this book, when we were told that Althea was a kind person? . . . . yeah, no.

Vampy tells Althea that he was able to reach Celeste when Althea drove her past the house and into his “dark path.” He describes it as “migrating within Celeste’s boundaries,” which Althea thinks sounds pretty and graceful, like birds migrating. I, on the other hand, think it sounds uncomfortably rapey.

He says that after midnight he visited Celeste. He explains that Althea is not in his dark path, because some people are unreachable, and the two of them are evenly matched. This is all a little confusing, but I’m going to take it to mean that he doesn’t like the taste of bitter, envious little brats.

It’s almost dawn, so the vampire tells her to go to school and it will begin, and then has to elaborate that he means her popularity, because Althea isn’t the quickest on the uptake. Then he fades into the hemlocks, and I suddenly realize this entire scene took place outside, rather than in the Shuttered Room as I’d assumed, because goddamn, Cooney really hates giving us any sense of location.

Althea barely has an appetite for destruction breakfast, supposedly because she’s worried about how getting eaten by a fucking vampire will have affected Celeste. I’m just finding it odd still that there are no parents mentioned. We’re supposed to believe Althea fixed her own breakfast? Nope, that’s definitely a Mom Job in 1990s Point Horror!

We’re told that Althea usually walks into school with her eyes lowered and her posture caved in, and gee I wonder why no one notices you, Althea. Fucking hell.

Anyway, this morning she walks into school slumped over and not making eye contact with anyone because she’s afraid they’ll all be able to tell she fed Celeste to a vampire. Instead, Becky, the “best cheerleader and the one Althea most wanted to be like – and be liked by,” squeals and runs over when she sees Althea. She acts like they’re besties, and Althea awkwardly rolls with it. Becky mentions her parents (so it’s just Althea whose parents are mysteriously missing from the narrative, hmm) get up early to run five miles every day, and she sometimes goes with them. Cue Althea thinking it’s “demented” to get up that early when you could be lying in bed instead, because Althea is a judgmental, ableist bitch. (I mean, I agree with the general sentiment – I would much rather sleep than get up early to run five miles, but she’s really scornful and condescending about it. Plus the ableism. So fuck her.)

Becky asks why Althea was up so early, and she can’t think of a good reason, so she says it’s because she likes looking at the stars and the night sky. Then she doubles down on me hating her by thinking that sounded even lamer than jogging five miles. First of all, astronomy is awesome. Second, just really pulling out the Best Hits of ableism, huh? Cool.

Ryan joins them, and he actually likes astronomy, so he excitedly talks to Althea about it, and wouldn’t you know it, now she finds it interesting. Fuck, I hate her.

Ryan mentions that he has a telescope Althea could learn on, and she’s elated that this Football Boy wants to come to her house. Becky is now the one bored by astronomy, and asks Althea about their algebra assignment. Althea has forgotten that she and Becky are in the same math class, despite Becky being the girl she’s obsessed with, so I call bullshit on this memory lapse. Then she thinks about how Becky always sits by another cheerleader named Dusty, and how Dusty is a name only a cheerleader could get away with having and not be teased until they actually became “dust, or lint, or other underfoot objects. Only a cheerleader could say out loud, with pride, “My name’s Dusty.””

OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP ALTHEA GODDAMN.

I’m so sad right now. I’m not kidding you; I loved this book as a tween. WTF happened?

Anyway. Ryan wants to set the telescope up in the tower room, and Becky thinks it would be cool to have a slumber party there. Michael waves at Althea, and she immediately starts thinking about her popularity rising instead of worrying about bringing her new friends into the immediate vicinity of a fucking vampire.

Becky invites Althea to come to her house after school, after a quick stop at McDonald’s “of course” (funny how Becky’s use of “of course” doesn’t send Althea into a homicidal rage), and she mentions that she lives next door to Ryan, wink wink nudge nudge. Ryan has followed them into math class despite this not being his class, just so he can bask in Althea’s glow a bit longer, I suppose. He makes some telescope innuendo at her and winks, and she thinks that she doesn’t care what happened to Celeste, because Becky is sitting by her; Michael waved at her; and Ryan winked at her. Gee, yes, Althea, you’re such a kind person.

She’s apparently brilliant when the teacher calls on her to answer the question on the board, and she happily thinks to herself that she’s where she deserves to be – among friends.

How very fucking heartwarming. I have a very different idea about where you deserve to be, Althea.

Okay, you know what’s pissing me off here? This is actually nothing like my experience, and I’m not sure why I ever identified with Althea. Unlike her, I actually tried to make friends – with varying degrees of success, sure, but I put an effort in. Althea just mopes around and whines about nobody approaching her to be her friend instead of putting any effort in at all. And even when people are being friendly to her, that’s still not fucking good enough! Instead of putting the work in to build a friendship, she’s all, “LOL Nope, I want the whole school to worship me right fucking now, and I’m willing to hurt whoever it takes to achieve that goal!” And then she has the fucking nerve to feel like she deserves to have everyone falling all over her. God. Just, fuck you, Althea.

Chorus appears to be the last class of the day, and Althea whines to us about how it hadn’t turned out the way she’d wanted, either. She’s made no friends there, obviously, and normally sits at the end of the row. Today she screws her courage up and sits in Dusty’s regular seat, and everyone is super glad to have her sit there, Dusty because it’ll be a nice change to sit on the end, and Random Boy next to Althea because he presumably wants to flirt with her. They don’t know each other’s names, and again I’m not convinced. I was in Band in fifth grade, and everyone definitely knew everyone else’s name.

Celeste walks in late, and she’s so “tuckered out” that she has to stop to rest after each of the three steps she has to go down to get into the classroom. Instead of demonstrating any concern for this girl who “hardly looks alive,” the teacher snaps at her and Random Boy mocks her, asking cruelly if she wants a cane. Bitch, what? Althea suddenly doesn’t want to know his name, and is horrified at herself for feeding Celeste to, and I cannot stress this enough, a fucking vampire. Sure. Give her five minutes and I’m sure she’ll be back to not giving a fuck about her collateral damage.

Oh, sure enough, by the time they get to McDonald’s and Becky tells Althea to lighten up, she casts Celeste out of her mind in order to jump up and down clapping when Ryan drives up with some other dude named Scottie. What even the fuck is with the jumping and clapping? Is Althea a sea lion? Is she also balancing a beach ball on her nose?

Somehow watching Ryan awkwardly slide out the back door of his car (I don’t care how smooth Althea thinks he is; there is no way to pull off this maneuver that isn’t awkward) makes Althea decide he’s the boy for her, rather than Michael. I mean, Michael has a perfect girlfriend, so good call there, I guess.

Inside, they eat cheeseburgers (except Ryan, who has three Big Macs) and Becky asks Althea what’s new in her life. She has a moment of panic in which all she can think of is Vampy, and even imagines she sees him right there in the McD’s. Okay, I’m back to feeling for Althea a little. I always freeze when someone asks me what I’ve been up to, too. Because honestly, “Working and watching YouTube” is a boring answer, and explaining this recap site takes too long. Same thing when people ask me what I do for fun – my brain always just goes, “Duhhh, fun . . . ? Uhhhhh . . . ”

God, I wish I had a cool hobby, like ax-throwing, or fire-dancing.

Anyway, Althea is quiet long enough that Becky laughs and teases her about it, then the others go on with their conversation, which apparently includes mocking Ryan for having a “lame and pitiful” hobby like stargazing. I can’t tell if this is Scottie mocking Ryan out loud to the group, or Althea thinking it to herself, because of the way Cooney writes. I’m going to toss another blanket “fuck you” over the group in general.

Becky suggests they have a party at Althea’s, because she’s sick of always hosting parties herself, but Althea is afraid the vampire will try to eat them all up. Then talk turns to Celeste and why she’s stumbling around like a zombie, and Becky is nasty about Celeste only shrugging at her when she asked what was wrong. I mean, how dare she, right?! She’s only a ninth-grader, and the squad has been very nice to her, and she has the fucking nerve to get drained by a vampire and not have the energy to answer questions?

Then Ryan turns the talk back to Althea, who thinks that she’s not going to bother worrying about Celeste, because she’ll perk back up in a few days, and anyway it’s worth it.

Any bets on how long it’ll take the guilt to creep in again?

Cut to Althea in her yard with the vampire. It’s like, super dark and stuff, but she can totes see where the dark ends and the vamp begins. He also seems to be growing out of the hemlocks and trees at the side of the tower, and Althea thinks that she could cut the trees down if she had to, then wonders why she would have to – after all, her deal with the vampire is done! It’s over between them!

Ha.

She has a complaint to register about exactly how tired Celeste is, and the vampire shrugs her off, because he “didn’t promise degrees of tiredness.” He laughs at her idiocy, then disappears into the hemlocks, or the shutters, or wherever, as the sun comes up.

For the record, I am no longer picturing Kristin Chenoweth in Dracula drag as the wishpire. I’ve now decided he’s Nandor from What We Do in the Shadows. Not the actor who plays Nandor, mind you. The actual character of Nandor. Because the only way I’m going to survive this recap without losing my shit in fury at Althea is to picture this goofy motherfucker as her foil.

See? +100 Amusement. I now have the strength to endure Althea.

The next section opens by telling us that the school has its own “video capacity.” Okay.

Apparently this means they have video announcements from the captains/presidents/leaders of clubs and the like. And Althea was awestruck by this in her first year as a high-schooler. She tells us that the captain of Varsity cheerleading before Kimmie-Jo had been Katya, who looked like an Ethiopian princess and always wore the most astonishing jewelry. You know, between this and the “obscene earrings,” I think Althea isn’t familiar with the concept of jewelry in general. She seems awfully awestruck by everyday things.

Althea tells us that the video announcements are when people say terrible things about those on camera, but Althea never said cruel things! Nope, she just thinks them bitterly to herself, then feeds people to a fucking vampire. Also, who is she going to gossip cruelly with? She doesn’t have any friends.

Oh, and the “cruel things” people say about Kimmie-Jo? “Does she bring her own hairdresser to school?” and “Wow, her clothes are neat! She could be a game show assistant!”

What the fuck ever, Althea.

Anyway, all of this build up was just to tell us that Mrs. Roundman, the cheerleading coach, comes on to announce tryouts for the vacant spot on the cheerleading squad. Also, tryouts are limited to those who were rejected in September, so fuck you if you moved here after that and want to try out, I guess.

Everyone is scandalized that someone quit the squad, and Becky shrugs and calls Celeste a quitter, and who needs a quitter. Then she tells Althea she should try out since she almost made it to begin with. Um, didn’t Althea get cut in the first round? That’s not “almost making it,” Becky.

Not that it matters. Nandor The vampire will make sure Althea gets the spot even if she falls flat on her face and shits herself.

At tryouts, almost no one is there, and Mrs. Roundman says that the type of girl she wants is not a girl who sits around with an empty schedule, so of course all the girls have found other things to fill their time. Althea’s like, uh, my schedule is open though, and Mrs. R gushes that of course it’s because Althea just knew a spot would open up, and not because she’s a friendless loser!

They go outside for the second part of tryouts, and Celeste is there watching, at least until Mrs. R shoos her away like a stray dog. Celeste can barely lift her backpack, and doesn’t have the energy to speak above a mumble, but sure. Let’s not show any concern for the obviously ill fourteen-year-old child. Nope, let’s yell at her about what a loser she is for quitting! Hell, why don’t we spit on her as she’s leaving, too?

Althea starts to feel bad, because she had no idea that her own popularity would come at such a high cost to Celeste (*cough*bullshit*cough*), but then she sees Ryan and Michael and once again is all “me me me!”

The JV squad captain gets snarky at Mrs. R about why one of them wasn’t moved up to Varsity, and Mrs. R claims they’ll see about holding all new tryouts in a few weeks when basketball season starts. Althea immediately starts panicking that her popularity will be over in a few weeks, after she barely gets a taste. Boo fucking hoo.

The next few days see Althea walking on sunshine and rainbows, until she spots Celeste one day after school. She looks absolutely rekt, but Althea’s like, LOL not my problem! Not gonna get involved! You know, despite the fact that you’re the cause of this, Althea. You already involved yourself, you ass.

Someone grabs Althea’s shoulder, and she thinks it’s Celeste, but it’s actually her old middle school BFF, Jennie Marsden. Holy shit, there’s a character with a first and a last name?! Guess I was wrong earlier.

Anyway, Jennie dumped Althea on the first day of high school, and now Althea seems to be shoving the cheerleader thing in Jennie’s face, almost swinging her actual pompoms in Jennie’s face. (And for some reason Cooney has chosen to spell it “pompons,” which seems very old-fashioned, and my spellcheck doesn’t recognize it as a word.) Althea thinks snarky thoughts about how great she is now, and that Jennie is just “Former Friend Jennie,” and then she decides to go ahead and have a party after all, which she magnanimously invites Jennie to. Jennie is super psyched, and Althea revels in her new popularity, thinking to herself that now she has everything!

Becky is also psyched about the party, and tells Althea to call Kimmie-Jo and have her call the rest of the squad, because that’s how things are done. Kimmie-Jo excitedly claps her hands, which is something she does more than most, so now I’m thinking I was wrong about who the trained seal is here. Maybe Kimmie-Jo is the one balancing a beach ball on her nose.

Althea calls a bunch of the boys and invites them, then starts moving furniture around to see how much room she can make for a dance floor. And her parents aren’t there to give any input, or be asked permission, or anything. Either they don’t exist, or Nandor already ate them before the story started. Althea woke up the day after releasing the vampire from the shutters and found her parents drained and dead, then had to bury them in the backyard. Maybe even under one of Laszlo’s vulva topiaries. (It’s three in the morning as I type this. I concede that I may be getting a little loopy at this point.)

Anyway, the vampire pops up to inform Althea that he wants another snack from the human buffet line she’ll be bringing into the house on Sunday (because for some reason she’s throwing a party on a Sunday). She refuses; he laughs at the idea that she has a choice; she thinks about pulling a backyard wrestling move on him with a chair; he laughs at the idea that she wants to throw a chair at him; she tells him to get out of her house; he informs her that he comes with the house and will be there long after she’s gone. And since there are two sequels to this book, I’d say he knows what he’s talking about.

Althea throws the chair at him after all, but he’s not there by the time it lands. I dunno, he doesn’t really seem to be corporeal. She argues that she gave him Celeste, that should be enough. He points out that yes, she did, and so quickly, too! But that was hardly enough for the massive favor he’s done her; after all, did she really think it was her sparkling personality that won her all these new friends?

Boy, this sparring between them really goes on longer than it needs to. Not-Nandor threatens to take Althea’s popularity away if she doesn’t feed him someone else; she decides to pretend to go along, then turns music on, which makes him angry because he’s old and doesn’t like the rock and roll and newfangled be-bop; he demands she choose who he eats at the party by putting an arm around the person. He tells her to simply invite someone who doesn’t matter, after all, lots of people don’t matter. Then he leaves and Althea throws the chair against the wall until it splinters into a million pieces. Mom and Dad don’t care, because they’re buried in the backyard.

Cut to the party Sunday night, and a house full of kids; some invited, some crashers. For some reason Becky and some other kids are in a room watching a movie instead of partying, and Althea makes the rounds, congratulating herself on what a winner she is. Apparently there was a party Saturday night as well, this one at Michael’s to celebrate the football team’s victory.

Ryan approaches Althea and shouts in her ear that he tried to get into the tower room, but it was locked. Althea almost has a heart attack, but pretends like she doesn’t know how locks work and distracts Ryan by taking him into the kitchen. Jennie is there, and embarks on a nostalgic story about eating jelly doughnuts and sleeping over with Althea, which makes them both misty enough to vow to be friends again and never let anything come between them again!

Then Althea hugs Jennie, and immediately realizes her mistake when she looks out the window and notices a dark shadow stretch across the lawn. She starts shouting that she didn’t mean it! She didn’t hug Jennie! And I can only imagine that Jennie is like, Well fuck you too, bitch.

Then she runs to the window and starts shouting that she didn’t mean it, Jennie isn’t her choice! And Jennie and Ryan are looking on like, What the fuck is wrong with this chick? Except I guess the vampire’s brainwashed them to just accept Althea’s weirdness. Speaking of brainwashing, Jennie enters some sort of stupor and decides she needs to go outside to get some air. She stumbles to the door, which she can’t open, but the door opens by itself and Althea sees the vampire’s mushroom-colored hand with the warped fingernails reach out to help Jennie along.

Does Althea try to stop her “friend”? Nope, she’s too busy hugging herself out of fear. Mmkay.

Oh, sure enough, after the party Fake Nandor promises Althea that he’ll make everyone forget her weirdness in the kitchen. Althea isn’t impressed, and trashes the house instead, destroying furniture and throwing dishes against the wall and screaming. Okay. There’s no way her parents exist in any form, is there? Did they get fed up with her constant whining and just abandon her here?

Althea keeps throwing her tantrum, insisting the vampire knew she didn’t mean for him to take Jennie; she was hugging her because she felt affection for her, not because she was marking her! Nandor doesn’t care, insisting right back that Althea knew the terms of the deal and needs to stop blaming everyone else for her actions. She chose Jennie and said this one doesn’t matter. Althea thinks that she should have chosen a party crasher she’d seen in the kitchen; that girl hadn’t mattered. Then she is horrified at herself and whispers that everyone matters.

Sure, Althea. Everything you’ve done thus far demonstrates that’s exactly how you feel.

The vampire is quick to point out that she’d decided Celeste didn’t matter as much as becoming popular, and Althea doesn’t have a reply. Gee, if only the “All Lives Matter” people were this easy to shut up when you point out why Black Lives Matter.

Nandor points out that Althea has much better friends than Jennie now; hadn’t Jennie been awful to her before? And Althea does another heel turn, feeling better because yeah, Jennie hardly mattered at all when you compared her with Becky!

Althea has done so many 180s at this point that she’s giving me motion sickness.

The vampire peaces out, leaving Althea to clean the wrecked house and think of how wonderful it is to have friends, then start feeling awful about how she achieved that. Again. She decides to close the vampire up in the shutters, but as she’s marching up to the Shuttered Room, Nandor talks her out of it by asking her if she wants the first party to be the last, and reminding her how much she sucks without him brainwashing people into liking her.

She of course backs down. I now have whiplash from her constant changes of mind.

Monday at school, Althea walks through the halls in a haze, both marveling at her popularity, and ignoring it while she laments all the childhood memories she has of her and Jennie’s friendship. She notices that the more she ignores people, the more enamored they are of her, and is shocked by this, exclaiming to herself and us that the popular person who doesn’t have time for you becomes more popular! Eh. Debatable.

Jennie is absent from school, which Althea thinks to herself about a thousand times throughout the chapter, and she spends the rest of the day wandering from class to class and wondering who the vampire will ask for next. Because she’s sure he will, and she wants no part of destroying another person! Yeah, sure, how long will you stick to that this time, Althea? Ten minutes? Five?

She only realizes the school day is over when Ryan pops up and teases her for being a daydreamer, then he and Michael walk out of the school with her to go get pizza. She thinks that people are looking at her in envy; the popular girl with the handsome boys. Cool. So, feeling bad about feeding people to a vampire lasted about three paragraphs this time.

Althea is confused about why Michael is coming with them; turns out he’s Ryan’s ride. The police finally pulled Ryan over, wanting to know how he was able to get out of such dented doors, and in a stunning display of White Privilege, Ryan argued with the cop about not needing more than one working door in the backseat and didn’t get shot or arrested. Althea thinks the story is just wonderful, and is delighted that Michael gets to go everywhere with them now. She acts like she’s now a girl who understands dangling two boys at a time, even though Michael fucking has a girlfriend and really isn’t in the running for Althea’s dubious affection.

Anyway, Althea sits in the front seat between the two boys, and we get this gem:

Althea thought that probably nothing, including sex or being elected president, could be as splendid as sitting in the front seat, Michael and Ryan talking to her at the same time, their wonderful masculine presence and scent and attitudes filling her with utter contentment.

First of all, I’m pretty sure most people with a sex drive would disagree on that first part. Secondly, I dunno Althea, it sounds kind of like you’d like a threesome with these masculine men. Thirdly, I’m not even going to touch the president remark except to say that the office holds far less luster these days than it used to.

They reach Pizza Hut, where the big circular booth in the corner is the Popular People hangout, and Althea is welcomed like royalty. Becky comes in later, and seems hesitant about whether or not she’s welcomed at the Popular Booth, and Althea marvels that Becky isn’t popular enough to break into the Kimmie-Jo/Dusty booth and that Althea has moved past Becky on the popularity scoreboard.

Wait. When we were introduced to Becky, Althea made it sound like she was super popular and the one whose favor she most wanted to curry. And now we find out Becky is only like, B- or C-list popular? What the fuck, Althea?

Anyway, Becky joins the group at Althea’s insistence, and Althea is drunk with power. She can make or break someone else’s popularity! SHE’S QUEEN OF THE WORLD!

Someone suggests another party; Althea says she doesn’t know when she can open up the house like that again, and Kimmie-Jo turns the conversation to parents and their stupid rules. Althea cannot participate in this conversation since her parents are buried in the backyard/ran away to join the circus.

Ryan suggests Michael drive him and Althea back to the school so she can pick up her car, and she notices that Becky is no longer welcome with the Popular People, so she invites her to spend the night at her house on Saturday to boost her Popularity Score.

I mean, earlier in the book we saw Becky hanging out with the cheerleaders and squealing and hugging Kimmie-Jo in the hallway, so this sudden decision to make her seem like an outcast is fucking bizarre. WTF, Cooney.

The trio meets up with Constance in the parking lot, and Althea is shocked that she and her friends know Althea’s name. Okay, whatever. Then she describes Constance’s outfit – white wool skirt, white silk blouse with full sleeves, and a brilliant scarf around her neck. Sorry, what decade is this supposed to take place in? Because my brain is refusing to picture that skirt as anything but a poodle skirt. She’s basically Sandy from Grease in my mind. You know. Before the leather pants.

Anyway, Constance ditches her friends to ride with Michael, and Althea gets the impression they’re trying to heal from some unknown fight. Talk turns to an essay Michael and Constance have to write for English – an essay on friendship. It’s the best ship of all!

Althea falls back into self-loathing while the others discuss the essay, then when they ask her what her thoughts on it are, she comments that she guesses you don’t turn your friends over to vampires.

Very good, Althea. A+.

Instead of thinking this girl is super obsessed with Twilight – no, this was 1991. Anne Rice? Yeah, let’s go with that. Ahem. Instead of thinking Althea is a fucking weirdo who talks about vampires all the damn time, everyone bursts out laughing and affectionately tells her that it’s a great rule.

Michael has forgotten that he was supposed to be driving back to the school, and is instead just wandering through town I guess, because they pass by the hill Althea’s house is at the bottom of. Because of Cooney’s shitty descriptions of mundane things, I have no idea how far away they actually are from the house, but it’s close enough for Althea to drama-queen it up in her head, thinking she can feel the vampire from here. Somehow she gets the idea in her head that he’s going to ask for Constance next, but then she remembers that she invited Becky to spend the night and thinks that she’s already traded Becky away in order to keep Constance. Sure, Althea, whatever. Jesus Christ, this girl.

When Althea has her car and is driving Ryan home, she imagines the vampire is everywhere, then lets out a giant sigh of relief when they pass a rocky hill she is for some reason sure the vampire can’t get past. Ryan for some reason takes the sigh personally and is cold to Althea until she convinces him she’s just scared of driving after dark and sighed because she’s tired. I’ve inadvertently done things to make dates think I was bored before, too, and my explanations were similarly terrible. So, once again, I feel you a little, Althea.

Althea wonders if the vampire made Ryan believe her weak excuse, then is chilled by the thought that he can invade her friends’ minds. She reasons that he must be able to, or they wouldn’t be her friends. Well, yeah. Not to mention he literally said he would make them forget her weird behavior at the party. This shouldn’t be new information, Althea.

She clearly has not internalized these realizations, because she still wonders how much of it is real; is the vampire giving Ryan instructions on how to interact with her? Uh. Duh?

She kisses Ryan when she drops him off, surprising herself by being so bold. When she gets home, the vampire blocks the front door and tells her he was with her tonight, could she feel him? Furious, Althea stomps her foot and screams at him to leave her house; he counters once again that it’s his house, lather rinse repeat. I really hope whatever neighbors Althea may have are too far away to hear this abandoned (orphaned?) child screaming at a vampire.

Becky calls Althea while she’s trying to do math homework (quadratic equations), and they gush about how much fun Pizza Hut was. Becky says she got to know Kimmie-Jo and Dusty better, and again, earlier we were shown Becky hanging out with them non-stop and running up and hugging Kimmie-Jo in the hallway at school, but whatfuckingever I guess. They talk about hair and boys and all your stereotypical girl stuff, all while Althea also does quadratic equations. I guess if she gets an F on the homework she’s not concentrating on, she can blame Becky instead of herself. (I could never do this. I need to concentrate with no distractions to do any math more complex than 2+2. I can be good at math, but I have to work at it. It doesn’t come naturally to me at all. I’m more a words person.)

Becky hesitantly mentions that she asked her mom (who, unlike Althea’s mom, actually exists) about sleeping over, and she said Friday would work better than Saturday, but Becky wanted to check that Althea wasn’t going out with Ryan. And if she is, then of course Ryan would come first, because Becky thinks Althea is all about dicks before chicks. This causes Althea to remember why she and Jennie stopped being friends – Jennie dumped her for a guy, telling her that the boyfriend was basically more important. Althea thinks that she would never be like that herself (debatable), and then asks if she can stay at Becky’s instead of Becky staying at her place. This is apparently ideal, as Becky’s parents don’t like her to spend the night anywhere they haven’t met the parents. And meeting Althea’s parents would be difficult since they’re buried in the backyard/ran away to join the circus/were stolen by the Goblin King and Althea failed to retrieve them from the Labyrinth.

When Althea hangs up the phone, Vampy pops up to tell her he’s decided he wants to snack on Becky next. And this is why we can’t have nice things.

Cut to Althea entering Becky’s home, and her thinking she can see the vampire’s shadow, a shadow clear as glass (okay), following her. Becky’s bedroom is made up of every shade of purple, so it’s entirely possible that Sweet Valley is missing a Unicorn. Becky calls Ryan next door and invites him over, telling Althea that he’s having dinner with them and he adores her. Okay. I don’t know any 16-year-olds who actually use the word “adore,” but this is Cooney after all. This is a soft, gauzy universe filled with soft, gauzy prose.

Ryan is going to tell Althea about the stars and teach her to look through his telescope. Yup.

Ryan shows up; they go out to the backyard; all the while Althea is trying to stop them because she’s afraid Vampy is going to get Becky. Ryan thinks Althea is afraid of the dark and teases her, which is a dick move even if there weren’t vampires involved. Becky wanders over behind some bushes despite Althea literally shrieking at her, and seems paler and tireder when she comes back. Uh-oh.

When the girls go to bed, Althea is suddenly lethargic as fuck, and worries that Vampy fed on her rather than Becky. She tries to rationalize that of course she’s tired what with her demanding new schedule, but she fails to reassure herself.

The next morning, Althea wakes up refreshed and relieved, and takes a shower and goes into the kitchen to pour herself cereal and milk like she owns the damn place. Maybe this over-familiarity is why you don’t have friends, Althea, damn. Becky comes down and is considerably less well-rested than Althea. In fact, she seems absolutely drained. Uh-oh.

Becky is convinced she’s coming down with the flu, and wants to go back to bed, but Althea starts screaming at her that no, she has to get up and stay on her feet. Then Becky’s mom walks in, and instead of being like, Why the fuck are you screaming at my clearly sick daughter, she bundles Becky off to bed with aspirin and chicken soup, and tells Althea to let Mrs. Roundman know she’s taking Becky off the cheer squad, since that’s clearly to blame for her catching a virus.

Althea drives home resolutely, determined to close the vampire back into the shutters once and for all!

No, no, I’m sure she totally means it this time!

She doesn’t sense the vampire in the Shuttered Room when she gets there. She opens one window and manages to close the outside shutters, then struggles to open the middle window as the air thickens, presumably with Essence of Vampire. She hears him laughing at her from somewhere down below, and shouts at him that he’s finished, she’s shutting him up for good! Yeah. See above GIF.

For some reason, breaking the glass in the window unsticks the frame and the window easily slides up. Okay.

No one will be seated during the thrilling “Althea closes some window shutters” scene.

She gets all the outside shutters closed, thinking that the third set closed way too easily, and she wonders if the shutters themselves have some dastardly scheme in mind for her. That’s right; Althea now thinks the shutters are plotting against her. Nobody tell her about the conspiracy between the front porch railing and the garage door, okay?

Then she realizes she still has to close the fucking bizarre-ass inside shutters, and those actually might be plotting against her. She can only close one at a time because her arms aren’t long enough to reach both halves at once, and every time she lets go of one to grab the other, the first one opens itself back up again. This sounds extremely slapstick. For some reason I can’t stop picturing Evil Dead 2.

The vampire’s laughter travels up the stairs to her, and then the door to the Shuttered Room slams shut. It is “closed tightly and forever.” We should be so fucking lucky.

Althea is frozen in place, and wonders if this is her choice or the vampire’s doing. She thinks about how terrified Jennie and Celeste must have been, and knows now that they must have fought Vampy, and bitterly laments that she did that to them. She’s a winner, and this is what she won – the chance to be alone with a vampire in a tower of black.

Sure, sure, but . . . I mean, it kinda depends on the vampire, right? Like, it’s been pretty well-established on this website that if Colin Farrell Vampire knocked on my door, I would let him in and probably die immediately. I am not smart when faced with hot vampires.

Althea surrenders to the vampire, who actually has not shown up in the room yet, while telling herself that she should fight; she should raise her fists and try to beat off the vampire.

I . . .

Moving on.

Althea dramatically monologues her hopelessness at us for a couple of pages while she senses the vampire moving in on her, and then a car horn honks from outside, breaking her out of her reverie. She immediately thinks that sound is beautiful (and very 20th century, because . . . well, Althea is a fucking weirdo) and she smiles, and suddenly she can move and the darkness seems friendly. Mmm yup. She flings the shutters open and it’s Ryan, oh happy day! Sunshine pours over her like orange juice, and she “bathes in its warm yellow liquid.”

Cooney . . . has to know what she just wrote, right?

Okay. Althea likes water sports. Got it. Moving on.

Ryan wants to come up to the Shuttered Room to set up his telescope, and something whispers to Althea that he could help her close the shutters, but then the sun goes behind a cloud and she gets afraid again, so she yells at him to turn up the radio, find hard rock or heavy metal, and dance for her. Um. Ryan is confused, but complies, turning on something with “throbbing drums and screaming tenor.” So, of course, I am picturing Ryan trying to dance to Metallica, and it’s weird, guys. We’re told he’s just swaying his hips a lot, so it’s not even headbanging. Maybe it’s actually Guns ‘N Roses “Yesterday.” I recall Axl doing a lot of swaying in that video.

Althea is able to leave the tower room, with the vampire taunting her that she can dance if she wants to she can leave her friends behind but she better not forget who gave her the chance to dance. Once outside, she dissuades Ryan from going into the tower room by telling him it is in fact haunted and he can’t beat the ghost up like he offers to, then she dances with him by flinging herself forward, flinging herself backward, then launching herself toward him again. I’m suddenly picturing Grease again.

As they’re getting in the car, the vampire conversationally tells her that he likes this car – blood-red; it’s a nice color. I don’t think I fully appreciated what a fucking troll Vampy is when I was a kid. I just . . . A+, Fake Nandor.

They go to Pizza Hut, because I guess that’s the Cool Kid Hangout, and miracle of miracles, Becky is there and feeling fine! Althea exalts that she got Becky inside before Vampy could actually do anything to her! Yes, yes, Althea, you’re obviously the Big Damn Hero of every situation, fucking hell.

Kimmie-Jo suggests Becky invest in some nutritious snacks, like jelly rolls or brownies, and tells Ryan she doesn’t “do” fruits or vegetables when he dares suggest she eat a damn banana once in a while.

– Kimmie-Jo, probably

Ryan brushes off Kimmie-Jo’s hatred of all things fruit- or vegetable-y, and asks the real question – does she “do” pizza? Because pizza is always the “final solution.”

. . .

. . .

. . .

Seriously, does Cooney pay any attention at all to her phrasing? I mean, I was going to make a joke about the US Congress classifying pizza as a vegetable, but then I had to read that pizza is the Final Solution with my very own eyes, and I am flabbergasted.

HOW IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK ARE YOU THIS OBLIVIOUS, COONEY? HOW?!

Anyway. Moving on, I fucking guess.

Everyone cheers for pizza, because that’s a totally normal thing to do, and Althea cheers the loudest, because of course she fucking does. So, if pizza is the final solution, and they’re cheering for pizza, does that mean they’re cheering for . . .

Cooney has to know what she fucking just wrote, doesn’t she?!

Althea thinks about how incredible and intrepid she is (her words) for “saving” Becky and for getting out of the tower room. Sure, fine, whatever Althea. Then someone puts some music on the jukebox, and Ryan moans that it’s his favorite song, “Yellow Fever” –

Seriously. Fucking seriously, Cooney? This is not a good look. At all. Cooney seems to be referring to the disease and ignoring the other meaning, but with this coming one page after the “final solution” comment . . . ugh. What the fuck.

Any. Fucking. Way.

Ryan and Althea dance between the booths at the fucking Pizza Hut because they’re fucking assholes, and Althea thinks condescending thoughts about the popularity or lack thereof of everyone watching them. Then she, predictably, thinks about how wonderful popularity is, and how she’s sorry about what happened to Celeste and Jennie, but she won’t let it happen again, and she’s not giving up what she’s got, and so there, Vampire!

This is at least the second time she’s said “so there” to the vampire. This seems inadvisable.

Cut to Althea and the cheerleaders and football team on the bus, presumably on their way to an away game. She thinks about how perfect Michael is and how she wanted him before, but now she doesn’t and she’s happy he and Constance are together because blah blah blah.

She thinks about how wonderful popularity is; how if you’re not talking, people don’t assume it’s because you’re a big fucking loser no one would talk to anyway, and you have your choice of winners to hang out with instead of having to settle for the dregs of humanity. Believe it or not, I’m not paraphrasing here. Althea really is this loathsome.

Ryan and a couple other boys are throwing a pair of sneakers around the bus, and this leads Althea to the revelation that she loves him. Yeah, I don’t fucking know, either.

They get off the bus, Althea giddy at how perfect Michael and Ryan are, and apparently how much she loves the smell of hot dogs (insert your own joke here) and popcorn, and Mrs. R tells her how infectious her laugh is and how she could even make captain with that smile!

It must be infectious, because I am certainly nauseated.

The vampire disappears for a few days, and Althea believes she’s beaten him with the power of being a twat or something, swaggering around her house and kicking leaves up in the yard in celebration. Mmkay. She spends the night at Kimmie-Jo’s, where she somehow doesn’t die of malnutrition or insulin shock or anything; goes to a party at Dusty’s, who keeps being mentioned but we literally never see her speak or interact, so I’m going to assume she’s a figment of everyone’s imagination; goes on a date with Ryan; goes on a double date with Michael and Constance, and decides Constance is wonderful and she wants to model herself after her.

I’m pretty sure Constance would have told the vampire to get fucked instead of feeding all her friends to him, but sure, Althea.

Basically, everything is coming up Milhouse Althea.

That is, until the seventh day, when ol’ Vampy pops back up.

It was a dark and snowy night, and Althea had just been dropped home by Ryan & Co, when she hears the vampire laughing at her. He doesn’t break the crust on the snow when he walks up to her. He says he left for a while, but he’s back now; she tells him she doesn’t need him and he can just stay gone, and he laughs at her in disbelief. She goes on about how she’s too strong for him, and she saved Becky, and it’s all just so fucking embarrassing. I am legit embarrassed for Althea.

He points out that she didn’t save Becky, he simply miscalculated the distance and couldn’t get to her; Althea doesn’t care and tells him to get lost. He’s only too happy to comply, telling her that at school tomorrow, she’ll be the one who’s lost – no friends, unloved, unwanted, ignored. Not even Ryan will know her name. And then she’ll come crawling back, won’t she?

Okay, typing that out, I realize the vampire is basically an abusive boyfriend.

So. Cue the beginning of Althea’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

First, her car won’t start. Then she can’t get hold of Ryan to get a ride. So she has to walk to school, and her classmates pass her without offering her rides or even waving to her. The horror. Cars fling dirty slush at her, and she steps in an icy puddle, soaking her socks. She’s wet and muddy when she gets to school, but nobody notices her. At all. Then some of the JV cheerleaders walk past her, glaring and talking pointedly about how maybe they’ll have fair tryouts next time, then straight-up telling Althea she’s untalented and won’t win a spot next time.

I mean, where’s the lie though.

Althea thinks her nails are too sharp and pointed, and she’s too full of blood, and wonders if she is turning into a vampire. She spots Becky and Dusty, and Dusty actually does speak here, to laugh with Becky about how maybe they’ll get a good team again, and then mocks Althea for not being able to get her locker open. Becky is nothing but annoyed when Althea tries to speak to her.

Okay, clearly the vampire is overcompensating in the other direction here. Before Althea opened up the Popular People Vampire Buffet, people weren’t mean or bullying toward her. They were just sort of distantly friendly. Sometimes not even that distant, just . . . friendly. This is not at all how they behaved toward her before, what the fuck.

Anyway, she spots Ryan, and predictably, he puts her off like he barely remembers who she is. Althea is horrified, because she never thought that all her popularity was the vampire’s doing. She figured she would still have what she earned on her own. I’m not quite sure what it is she thinks she earned on her own, since she’s done nothing but sit back and bask in everyone’s admiration of her. Honestly, she was making better in-roads to friends before the vampire got involved; she just didn’t want to put in the fucking time to nurture a damn friendship.

She passes by the sign-up sheet for cheerleader tryouts, and it’s filled with names. It would actually be a fair tryout this time around, so she doesn’t add her name. Okay, side note: is this how cheerleading works? Are there new tryouts for every sport season, where the girls on the squad have to earn their place multiple times a year? Because I was under the impression that you’re on the squad for the school year, with tryouts once a year, not once every new sports season. This seems really weird.

At lunch, Althea once again has nowhere to sit, and sees Jennie and Celeste, both looking haggard as fuck, apparently, sitting at the same table but taking no notice of each other. The chair between them starts talking to Althea, beckoning her over to sit and be alone forever. Side note again: I would love it if this wasn’t just another flight of fanciful prose on Althea’s part and the chair was literally talking to her. Like Chairy from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.

Althea walks home in the sleet, dejected and alone while the cheerleaders pile into Kimmie-Jo’s car and head for Pizza Hut. Possibly to discuss how pizza is analogous to genocide. Althea twists her ankle on her porch, just to really add to her shit day. She wallows in self-pity, alone in the house because her parents . . . yeah, I don’t even fucking know. This is Point Horror, and in PH, we’re generally told that absent parents are in Europe. The fact that Althea’s parents haven’t been mentioned once, even in passing, is bizarre as hell. Althea hatched from an egg in the basement and has raised herself since. Like a sea turtle. Except people like sea turtles.

She cries, and mopes, and goes to bed early, and wakes up crying. The vampire is at the foot of her bed, like he’s Edward fucking Cullen.

Ahem. Anyway.

Fake Nandor consoles her, saying that she doesn’t have to be alone, and he can give her her popularity back if she’s learned her lesson. And hey, bonus! She can keep Becky as a friend! Friends are important, and he doesn’t want to take Becky away from her.

He just wants Constance instead!

I mean, yeah, who the fuck didn’t see this coming a mile away.

Althea balks, and the vampire tempts her with being cheerleading captain and having Ryan’s love again. He says he’ll never make another Uber Eats order request after Constance, and completely unrelated, I have this lovely bridge I’d like to sell you.

Althea isn’t into it, but we all know that’s not gonna last, don’t we. He tells her this is her last chance, and leaves her to consider whether she can go through the rest of high school unloved, unwanted, and unspoken-to.

The next day her car still won’t start, but Kimmie-Jo swings by to pick her up, acting like nothing out of the ordinary happened the day before and she’s still Althea’s biggest fan. At school, Becky apologizes for being nasty the day before, and hands her an apology note from Ryan. Everyone is back to being All About Althea.

This should ring hollow as fuck now, right?

Nope. Althea eats it up, only pausing every now and then to feel slightly uneasy whenever she spots Celeste or Jennie. After school, no one can decide between going for pizza, burgers, or fried chicken, so they demand Althea make the choice and they’ll follow her off the cliff like lemmings. (Pedantic zoology note: this is a bit of a misconception. Lemmings don’t follow each other off cliffs in mass suicides; it’s a migratory behavior – they jump off the cliff into the water and swim away.)

Constance joins the group, giving Althea all sorts of whiplash back-and-forth inner monologues, and suggests that just the four of them go do something so she can get to know Althea better. So they hop in Michael’s car and start driving, with Constance suggesting they go to Althea’s since she wasn’t at the party and hasn’t got to see her house yet. (Ryan also wants to be allowed to use his telescope in Althea’s tower. Heh.) Althea debates with herself over giving Constance to Vampy, then ultimately directs them to her house and tells Constance that “of course” she can see the tower too.

As they approach the house, Constance starts getting spooked, pointing out the hemlocks and saying that they’re waving at her. The boys laugh, but Althea knows what the fuck is up. She knows that the vampire was lying; Constance won’t be the last. She throws a fit in her head, thinking that all she wanted was to be a cheerleader; to have friends; for the phone to ring! Was that so terrible? Was she so wrong?

I mean, not until you decided to start feeding people to a vampire to get it.

Suddenly Althea realizes that yes, it was wrong and she was terrible. She tries to hate the vampire, but really just hates herself. But then some part of her thinks that she can’t save Celeste or Jennie, so she might as well go with it, while another part of herself argues that she can save Constance. And this would be a hell of a lot more effective right here if she didn’t have this same argument with herself in every fucking chapter.

Anyway, she tells Michael to drive past her house. So, good for her? Yay?

They basically ignore her, to the point that she’s screeching and trying to physically hold them in the car. Constance thinks she’s being nice because Constance was afraid of the house; Michael politely asks if they’re having a wrestling match, which actually made me laugh; Ryan thinks that Althea just doesn’t want him around or at her house. He actually says he’s bought her plenty of pizza and now she owes him a tower. Okay. So the tower is definitely a euphemism for Althea’s vagina, and the telescope is . . . obvious. Change my mind.

Ryan opens the car door and practically shoves Althea out into her driveway (she gets out of the car on her own, but it amuses me more to imagine him shoving her), and yells at Michael to drive away since Althea doesn’t want them around. They do, and Althea hysterically thinks that her popularity ends here; she won’t even make it to Pizza Hut.

But at least Constance is safe.

As she walks up the stairs to her room, the vampire shows up to mock Althea, telling her now everyone will forget her, as she has a very forgettable face. She checks out her face in a compact mirror, and notices that the vampire has no reflection. I mean. Yeah. Then the vampire tells her that he, too, has made a choice – she is no longer a match for him. And therefore, fair game as prey.

He wraps his cape around her, leading her up to the tower. She finally feels his skin, and it’s spongy, as if he’s swollen with rot. Ew? Althea is feeling dreamy and drained, and he says of course – he’s “migrating.” She says she thought she would argue, after all, remember the time she threw chairs at him? He explains that she wanted to be there, that she welcomes his presence.

She’s so tired, but he tells her this last step into the tower will be the last step she ever needs to take, which gets her thinking that it’s not the last step that matters – it’s the first. If she hadn’t taken that first step, she wouldn’t be here. She asks what happens after her, and the vampire responds that there are always other girls who don’t matter; who don’t have friends; who want to be popular but aren’t in a Broadway musical with Kristin Chenoweth to help them out.

Althea begs to be popular again, just for a minute. She begs, saying she’ll do anything, and he laughs that yes, she always has. This abusive motherfucker, I swear to god.

He tells her to hold out her arms, and suddenly we’re in improv class with the vampire setting an invisible bundle into Althea’s arms. Um. Okay. Even though it’s invisible (just like she will be tomorrow), the popularity warms her. She thinks that she has done anything for it, and will continue to do so, but then a draft from the window (which I guess she just left open like a fucking heathen) wakes her and she decides that she will take the vampire down with her rather than destroy another girl’s life.

She rejects the popularity. He tells her she can’t do that, but he’s alarmed. Althea realizes that his power comes from weak people accepting his offer, and he would have been powerless had she ignored him. She advances on him, then:

Althea grabbed him. She took her popularity and pushed it against him, shoved it on him, wiped it on his face and his clothes. She mopped him with it.

I am unsure whether to laugh, or call the Special Victims Unit. This is . . . really fucking weird, to say the least.

Anyway, it works, leaving the vampire a whimpering, crying mess. As I’m sure we all would be if some girl wiped her “popularity” all over us. She easily locks the shutters up tight, and that apparently is that. She’s free, and she smiles. She stopped him, but more importantly, she stopped herself.

Althea skips merrily down the stairs, thinking that she’ll just have to make friends the way everyone else does – by being nice. I mean, nice is the bare minimum. There’s a lot more to making friends, and being a good friend, than being “nice,” but this book has drained me of the will to explain complex concepts, so I’m gonna leave it there.

We get an epilogue . . . well, it’s more than a paragraph, but less than a chapter. In it, we’re told that the house is still there, empty since Althea moved away. Just Althea? Literally no parents ever even existed. The vampire waits patiently for someone to buy the house and move in, maybe someone with children who will play with the shutters and release the vampire. You know, because children love playing with shutters. The little fuckers can’t stay away from the damn things!

The vampire will be waiting. He’s used to waiting. Waiting, and winning.

Nostalgia Glasses Off

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Oh, boy. I hate Althea; Cooney might be a racist/anti-Semite; and I guess Celeste and Jennie are just lost causes?

Despite how this recap may sound, I don’t think I actually hate this book. I gave it 3 stars (out of 5) on Goodreads immediately after rereading it; it’s only when I start tearing things apart and analyzing them for recaps that it starts feeling like I hate them.

Anyway, this is definitely a case of nostalgia making me remember this as better than it was. I actually remember liking the second book (The Return of the Vampire) better than this one, but according to my friends at The Devil’s Elbow, it’s actually worse. I guess we’ll see how that goes whenever I bring myself to brave that dip into the nostalgia pool.